Yes, Creatures Were Harmed in the Making of This Post

This post is not pretty. I'm so sorry to have to string together such unappetizing and gruesome words together for the first post in months, but honestly, it's about the first significant activity to occur in my kitchen in quite some time. For those who are easily offended, I suggest you close the browser window now. If there are young children in the room, perhaps more pleasant activities can be arranged, like seeing "My Bloody Valentine 3D" at the local theater or laying down some bets at the local cockfight.

Recently, I'd come to notice something rather unsavory lurking in my pantry. It's arrival, I've come to believe, was in the form of an edible Trojan horse that made it's way into the pantry. The doors swung shut, the lights went out, and then "they" emerged and started to party.

Pantry moths!

I noticed one of the little buggers a short time ago. He was resting on the inside of my pantry and took flight when I swung open the door. Later, I noticed another. They seemed to travel alone, and sporadically, but I couldn't deny that they weren't just passing through.

I began researching the little bastards and discovered that getting rid of them would require some diligent cleaning and an unfortunate tossing of much of my pantry stock. To my relief, I learned that their presence doesn't necessarily indicate a dirty pantry or poor cleanliness. They usually arrive in packaged goods brought home from the grocery store. Angoumois moths, Mediterrian flour moths, and Indian meal moth eggs are often present in grain, seed, nut and flour products. Once hatched, they set up residence in your kitchen and begin play hop scotch across your future dinners with their numerous brothers and sisters.


THIS IS HOW THEY START...




...BUT IT LEADS TO THIS!





So to remedy, I removed every item from the pantry. The outdoor garbage bin quickly grew very heavy under the weight of pastas, rices, flour, cornmeal, breadcrumbs, nuts, dried fruit and cereals. I inspected each bag or box and believe I found a possible source of the infestation, a bag of wild rice. It's ziploc type seal was securly fastened, but I found small web-like threads and even one live moth, flapping excitedly inside it's plastic pouch prison. There were a few items that had only been place in the pantry within a few days, so those were securely zip-locked into plastic bags and placed in the freezer for a few days as a precaution.

Once the pantry was empty, I vaccuumed every shelf and surface with a religious fervor unmatched even by the insanely horrific reverend Fred Phelps. Next was a heavy dousing with some ammonia based cleaner, including the sides and ceiling of the pantry. A good rubbing of orange oil into the wood finished the job. I wiped down all my canned and bottled goods, placed them back into the pantry and crossed my fingers. Any new supplies of flour and such will be quarantined in the refrigerator until I am sure that I have slayed the last of these winged devils.

**Update**

A few weeks has passed since my cleaning and I do believe that I've eliminated the flying bastards. However, I've learned that it's best to keep small supplies of flours, grains and other products they like. From now on, I'll only purchase supplies that I'll use within a month or two. Any larger amounts will be stowed in the refrigerator.

SNEAKING OFF TO LONDON

We are heading to London for a few days of play. Who knows of the perfect restaurant for a lovely Valentine's Day dinner?

If Anyone Objects to this Wedding, Speak Now...

"There are very few good judges of humor, and they do not agree."
--Josh Billings

Below is an open letter to "Anonymous" who left a comment regarding my post, "So You'd Like to Cater a Gay Wedding." You may read the original post here.

Anonymous said...

This was really offensive. I'm a member of the gay community and found this in poor taste. What the fuck is wrong with you?

2/04/2009 1:21 PM

Dear Anonymous:

If you found this entry offensive then you really haven't been paying attention to the rest of my blog. Seriously, I’m sad to learn you are missing the good stuff. Check out this post where I declare my habit of popping Everybody's Nuts into my mouth. It might be hard to summarily categorize the content on Acme Instant Food, but the one constant here is that I try to marinate even my most gristly cooking adventures in humor. I’ll let you decide which is harder to swallow, my humor or my sugar free/fat free brownies.

There is no doubt that words can hurt, can inflict pain, and harm. Warner Brothers corralled up eleven of their classic cartoons, which they deemed inappropriate due to their depiction of harmful stereotypes (mostly about blacks). These shows have been placed on permanent lockdown in the vault. I agree that children's programming is not an appropriate place for a cartoon entitled, "Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs."

The lines of where it's acceptable to bundle stereotypes with humor, and where it is not, are hard to define. Saturday Night Live has weathered 33 seasons, through skewering just about every public person, ethnic group, or religion available with a few strokes of their writer's pens. SNL is a comedy show. It's a place where people turn to laugh, frequently at themselves. And Jewish comedian Jerry Seinfeld made it okay to laugh at Jews during prime time. Do all retired Jews move to Coco Beach and drive their Cadillacs to dinner at 4:30?

Also very hard to define is just how certain African-American people can refer to themselves by a term that would be, and should be, unspeakable to anyone who isn't of such decent. But in fact, some of them do, and without any good explanation, is it quite acceptable to them.

Some of the most confident, self-assured people I've ever met have an incredible ability to laugh at themselves. It never comes across as self-deprecating, rather it shows an enviable ability to never take oneself too seriously. Our far too sensitive, political correctness has veered off the path it was intended to travel. In our quest to be universally sensitive we've lost sight of our humanness. I believe that in the examples above, people have chosen to laugh at stereotypes not because they lend credibility to them, but because they recognize the absurdity of the idea that they represent an entire populace, race, or religion.

I wished the world laughed more. I wish we could laugh at ourselves more. Acme Instant Food is a place where people can come to read about my cooking, knowing that my recipes come with a side dish of my irreverent writings. I feel Acme is a perfectly appropriate place for such humor as my obvious parody about catering tips for gay weddings. Although I have trouble finding much time to do so, I hope to continue posting here, including the occasional spoof, without apology. My regular readers (all 3 of them that are left after my absence) expect it.

I myself am a gay man. I’m also a gay man who happens to be engaged and is very excited for the day the sunshine state wakes up and overturns this ridiculous Proposition 8. There will be numerous wedding details to be planned. And I can safely project that none of the details in my “So You’d Like to Cater a Gay Wedding” post will be included (except for the bar—hunky bartenders not required but never purposely omitted). It’s just not the wedding style that my fiancée and I would want for our day. However, anyone who might be planning a wedding where phone numbers are exchanged at the bar and guys check their shirts before dancing to Debby Holiday on the dance floor, please contact me through this blog. I’d be delighted to celebrate your big day with you, with or without my shirt! And I’d be proud and honored to eat lasagna and numerous slices of wedding cake with any happy lesbian couple. Just shoot me an invite as I want to come and dance with you on your gloriously gay day.