SO, YOU'D LIKE TO CATER A GAY WEDDING?

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Congratulations! I applaud you for embracing diversity and equality. You should also derive great pleasure from your contribution to the special day of a happy gay couple who have until recently, only dreamed of being given the opportunity to wed. This is not only a significant step towards acceptance of gay men and women in our society, but is a fantastic opportunity for you to make money as a caterer.

I’d like to share some tips with you for a successful event. You should be aware that many gay weddings will be composed of the same elements as those of straight couples. But, there are some inherent differences in the celebratory habits of gays and lesbians and knowing this in advance will help you to make the event a hit, and contribute to your bottom line as a food professional.

GAY MEN'S WEDDINGS

1. THE BAR

Let’s begin with stocking the bar. This is going to be the most important element of this wedding. Gay men judge the success of an event not by the buzz exchanged between the guests after the party, but rather by the buzz the party gives them. This means that you must stock top shelf liquors. Do not try to be cheap because the client will know immediately. Gay men demand quality cocktails and will inspect the seals on your bottles to ensure they have not been watered down. Allow ample space at the venue for your bar set-up, and recruit handsome servers. As for mixers, you won’t need to go overboard. I suggest stocking only lots of cranberry juice. You’ll need more cosmos at your gay wedding than you’d get by wringing out Carrie Bradshaw over a bathtub. Don't overlook sliced limes, oranges, berries and mint leaves needed for proper garnishes.

2. THE CAKE

A wedding cake at a gay man’s wedding is a lot like Reichen Lehmkuhl, fantastically gorgeous but without any real purpose. If it's a big wedding, a large wedding cake is symbolic if nothing else and should not be overlooked. However, you should understand that gay men don't eat wedding cake, especially before hitting a dance floor. Plan on allowing only enough cake to serve to the parents of the grooms, children, and any token straight couples. Anything more is a waste. You may wish to rent a realistic styrofoam cake to display, and for picture opportunities. Later you can wheel the cake into the prep area where you will slice up a real sheet cake for serving.

3. THE DINNER

The fact that dinner will largely be ignored is a good thing (see reasons above for not eating wedding cake). Be sure to charge your clients the full premium for each guest and realize that food is the cash cow of any gay men's wedding. You need to only plan about one-fifth of the usual food allotment when serving a crowd of gay men. Don't worry about the small number of men who won't be dancing. Those not on the dance floor will be busy flirting with the bartenders. Food and flirting do not mix.

4. THE SHIRT CHECK

No, I did not mean to say, “coat check.” Gay men will likely wish to check their shirts and hang them properly before hitting the dance floor. Provide racks and wooden hangers for this purpose. Charge a minimum of $4 per item checked.

5. BATHROOM ATTENDANTS

Gay weddings require bathroom attendants to offer hand towels to guests as they leave. This is also another opportunity to make a good deal of cash by stocking the sink areas with lots of menthol cigarettes, gum, breath mints, and pads of paper and pencils for exchanging phone numbers.

LESBIAN WEDDINGS

If you are to make your lesbian event a success you need to understand a few basic differences. You will need to focus less on the bar. Stock the bar heavily with white wine and mojitos and don't skimp on pretzels and peanuts to snack on. As for food, you cannot serve the same menu you might offer for a male crowd; lesbians will likely be disappointed with boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Instead, you should plan on large pans of spinach lasagna and garlic bread. Your female parties will also appreciate artichoke dips, hummus, and chicken livers. The same goes for the wedding cake—make it spectacular and plentiful! But we aware that lesbians favor environmentally friendly events. You must make sure that the cake’s height does not become a problem when transported in a Prius. Also, be sure to designate an outdoor relief area for the many dogs and cats that will be in attendance.

You are now ready to dive into the burgeoning world of gay weddings! Gays are a loyal group of people. Once you have demonstrated your ability to razzle dazzle, you will have clients for life. Be sure to distribute professional looking business cards to your clients and to their friends. Before long your calendar will be booked full with weddings, showers for babies (and their donors), and gay divorce parties.

*ON A SERIOUS AND JOYFUL NOTE!*

While writing this post, I was completely thrilled to learn that CONGRATULATIONS go out to Matt & Adam for officially tying the knot today! Many of you may know Matt from Mattbites. Ed and I have shared a few meals with Matt and Adam, and there is no denying their infectiously warm, engaging, and amiable personalities. I can't help but smile to realize that our government now recognizes their love for each other as being no more, or no less valid, than the love exchanged between any other two people in a committed, loving relationship. This day is so very long overdue! I am so happy for Matt and Adam. I wish you both continued love, health, and happiness in your married life together!

PEANUT BUTTER PANCAKES

Today, I'd like to talk to you about kids, childhood, and the power that our memories have to affect our lives today. Ahhh, memories! I'm sure you can recall many moments of your childhood that are as vivid and clear as if they happened this morning. That's because kids are observant little devils and their minds soak up details like a Brawny towel. Trust me, this is an important fact that should never be overlooked. Also remember that you shouldn't bother to bribe a child who's witnessed you doing something you shouldn't have because it won't work. Not only will your bribe money be wasted, but also little Emily will in fact tell her parents that it was in fact the bumper of your car that knocked over the mailbox last Thursday.

As kids, we develop many routines that are carried on into adulthood. Childhood offers a wealth of habit-forming opportunities including simple manners, hygiene, and the ability to suppress gas at the library or during funerals. Arguably, some of the most important and deeply ingrained habits we form as kids are dietary.

Comfort food. What does it mean to you? Most likely, the term doesn't conjure up images of steamed asparagus or a bulgar wheat salad with yogurt dressing. If these are the images that do come to mind, you probably had a mother who was arrested during the sixties for smoking pot and aspired to sing backup for Joan Baez. For many of us, comfort foods equate homey, rich and satisfying foods quite often plucked from our childhood memories. Some of mine include my mother's meatloaf, complete with caramelized crispy bits that I'd pry from the cast iron pan when it was removed from the oven. Macaroni and cheese ranks high on the list, along with butterscotch pudding,

Comfort foods have a definite place in my life. Whenever I lose a game of strip poker, I try to erase the shame with a big slice of German chocolate cake. And whenever I'm banned from a new Sizzler location for testing the limits of their "bottomless" order of fried shrimp, well, actually Peptol Bismol and sleep shades tend to work best for that.

I am not a member of the food police. I firmly believe that food should be relished, savored and appreciated for what it is (just ask that rude night manager at Sizzler). But I also understand that balance and moderation are easily skewed in our modern age of convenience food. We tend to forget that our bodies need "real" and unprocessed food in order to be healthy. Our stress levels, cunningly masquerading as time restraints, have pushed good nutrition and healthy portions into some nether region of our daily lives.

As a result, we have a generation of kids who:

1. Don't know how to cook anything that doesn't need to have its protective plastic pouch pierced with a fork prior to being microwaved.

2. Invite the teenager who takes their money at the first window to the prom.

3. Announce their girlfriend's teen pregnancy to you by bemoaning their friend's advice to use Twinkie wrappers as makeshift condoms.


The point I'm trying to make is not to deprive your kids (or your grandkids, or neighbors kids, or lesbian lover's kids) of anything remotely unhealthy. The trick is to also instill an appreciation for the flavor of wholesome, healthy foods that they will also embrace. These don't have to be such drastic changes. Some simple shifts in your thinking and what you line your pantry shelves with, can bring about positive eating habits.

Take pancakes for example. I love them. They are a very common comfort food from childhood. And like most comfort foods, they aren't necessarily the most nutritious. They are tasty disks of bleached white flour and oil, topped with butter and sugary syrup. Mmmmmmmm! But you don't need to excommunicate them from your breakfast table if you are trying to eat healthier. You just need to get creative.




Here is a pancake recipe that you could even sneak on the plate of an unsuspecting kid. They masquerade as lunchbox fare, but are even suitable for a more sophisticated breakfast table. These Peanut Butter Pancakes are made from whole-wheat flour, applesauce, and a small amount of olive oil. Peanut butter lends a welcome homey flavor. I topped them with fruit preserves and the result is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich served up breakfast style. Share some with a kid today (just please don't share them Emily unless you get my $20 back first.)


PEANUT BUTTER PANCAKES

1 1/4 cup whole-wheat flour
2 TBS sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/4 cup fat-free milk
1/4 cup natural peanut butter (I used old-fashioned chunky*)
2 TBS olive oil
1/4 cup applesauce

Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt in mixing bowl. Mix remaining ingredients together separately until well combined. Pour mixture into dry ingredients and mix just until evenly moistened. Cook pancakes on lightly greased griddle in 1/4 cup measures. Cook until golden browned on both sides.

* Read your peanut butter labels carefully before purchasing. Various brands incorporate surprising amounts of sugar, corn syrup, and unhealthy tropical oils. I'm a fan of "old-fashioned" type peanut butter that usually contains nothing more than peanuts and salt.

SOUR PUSS

Not too long ago, in a land very near, I made a discovery. Ed and I were poking around in the terraced gardens that compose our hillside backyard. I was quite surprised to discover a lemon tree, filled with bright canary-colored fruits. It’s not that I suspected some wayward Tree People activist had snuck in and planted it under the cover of darkness. I always knew the tree was there but it never actually bore fruit. I always assumed it was some mock citrus kind of tree when in fact it was the real thing.

Last summer we aggressively cut back some fast-growing shade trees. It seems that the extra hours of daylight reaching the lemon tree resulted in renewed fertility. It wasn’t a fake specimen after all. It was a genuine lemon tree, just clinically depressed and suffering from self-esteem issues brought about by darkness. I realized that like Britney Spears, it could rise again with some medication and strict outside intervention.

I drew a parallel in my head between the lemon tree and myself. It was a connection deeper than the obvious fruit reference. I myself have been suffering from a lack of fruitfulness. I've run into a sort of cooking block. It's like the kitchen is stuck in off-season, airing only reruns of tired "go-to" meal episodes. I've all but stopped slipping Ed experimental recipes and then observing his vital signs for symptoms of poisoning or sudden dementia. That used to be good for hours of fun!

Even my blogging, an activity that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed, has been reduced over the last few months to a scant handful of recipes, and some twisted musings on when exactly Annie Lebovitz began looking for artistic inspiration at the bottom of an Absinthe bottle. Looking at that lemon tree made me realize that I too had some overgrown garbage that was cutting me off from my nurturing energy supply.

I occasionally get emails as a result of this blog. This excites me. Yes, I’m a geek. Usually I’m let down when I discover they were sent from some PR company whose client is pimping them out to seduce me by whispering false flattery in my ear. I find myself excited and fully aroused only to get to the part where the delicious, chocolate-covered compliment dissolves into a request to review some fake “butter-like topping” whose DNA is more closely linked to synthetic automobile oils than a dairy farm. Geeks tend to suffer a lot of false hopes.

Sometimes the e-mails contain feedback from a reader who wishes to heap praise on a particular recipe. Some read, “Dude, pouring Baileys Irish Cream over your breakfast cereal is a great idea” or, "It worked! My mother in-law will never visit us again" or, “Back off! I’ve retained a libel attorney!”

Recently, I received an email that simply read:

"Hey, I'm really interested in your food blog, but haven't seen any updates in a long time. Everything ok?"

***Imagine flashback music here. Or better yet, if you have the "Wayne's World" soundtrack, dust it off and play their version of the flashback music now***

I was an awkward kid. Shy, quiet, and insecure, were adjectives frequently used to describe me. Let’s just say I was always the last one picked for any team sport that required aggression--that’s all of them folks. I was often the kid called on by the teacher when needed to assist with a special project during recess. I suspect this was because the teacher pitied me, knowing that I’d likely spend the time being repeatedly beamed in the forehead with a dodge ball, or sitting alone on a bench whittling a rubber eraser into a goldfish.

Occasionally, to escape the horror of a school-wide track and field “fun day,” I’d feign an illness to be sent down to the school nurse. Once my non-existent symptoms had been carefully ruled out, I’d be released back to class. Of course once their back was turned I’d contemplate eating something off the ground and then throwing-up into the art supply closet in front of an audience for a quick ticket home.

Fortunately, I progressed from a pussy-boy kid into an adept and cool-headed adult, choosing to master my inherit calmness over a more stressful type-A personality.

This temperament often works well for me. I’ve been treading the waters in a dysfunctional workplace for over a year. The organization itself is terribly valuable, but a few of the current key players suffer from chronic diseases of slack-jawed moronity. I hold our organization’s mission dear so I’ve been honing my soundness and waiting for the day when these blockhead
gang members from Obtusetown inadvertently blow themselves up. I’ve even planned a unique and tasty menu for their bereavement gathering that everyone would savor and then heap mounds of praise upon me. It would be my way of having the final word. But that cheery memorial service seems far on the horizon. Even more depressing is that lately I’ve become alarmed to notice hairline cracks forming in my usually solid resolve.

I think I hit a personal low recently when I witnessed myself turn into Naomi Campbell, hurling verbal cell phones at one hapless player. Think “Incredible Hulk” without the verdigris or residual checks. The barrage was intended to spark some motivation and positive action. I tried this route because coolness had seemed to have little effect in the past. I suddenly turned from the kid standing in deep, deep, right field into the bully with the glowing red eyes and a locker full of decaying child carcasses stuffed away during recess.

It occurred to me that spending my days pounding inept morons at work was taking away my desire to pound chicken breasts at home. That, and the daily massive caffeine intake I employ to get through the day seems to make my hands too shaky to photograph Strawberry Shrimp at night. So, upon arriving at home at the end of a day I now often defrost some frozen tomato sauce, and boil pasta. That’s a menu easy enough as to not be made impossible by my 6 pm single malt scotch. Then I can chill out, set the table, decant the wine, and have dinner ready for Ed when he gets home from a late evening in his office. This leaves the remainder of my night free to download music and scrub wine stains out of my polo shirt and living room rug.

So as I stood there, looking up at the lemon tree, I realized that it’s time to do some heavy pruning. Whoever said, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” had it all wrong. This guy was under the assumption that being handed lemons was a bad thing. For that means that you are surrounded by life, by nature, and by nurturing environments that are, quite literally, fruitful. And more important than just being surrounded by it, you are actively connected to your environment. It is nurturing you. What you do with it is up to you and completely irrelevant. Who cares if lemons make your lips pucker? Some of my life’s most exciting moments have happened while my lips were puckered.

What I've learned is this:

1. I need to return to regular blogging as a healthy, creative outlet

2. A lawyer on retainer is an excellent thing to have

3. I should walk down into the gardens more often

4. A lemon stand, located just outside the grocery store's property, can be very profitable

5. A thick layer of salt is excellent to blot up red wine stains

6. Miley Cyrus is not a mutant

7. Lemons can be used for whiskey sours