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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

SO, YOU'D LIKE TO CATER A GAY WEDDING?

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Congratulations! I applaud you for embracing diversity and equality. You should also derive great pleasure from your contribution to the special day of a happy gay couple who have until recently, only dreamed of being given the opportunity to wed. This is not only a significant step towards acceptance of gay men and women in our society, but is a fantastic opportunity for you to make money as a caterer.


I’d like to share some tips with you for a successful event. You should be aware that many gay weddings will be composed of the same elements as those of straight couples. But, there are some inherent differences in the celebratory habits of gays and lesbians and knowing this in advance will help you to make the event a hit, and contribute to your bottom line as a food professional.


GAY MEN'S WEDDINGS

1. THE BAR

Let’s begin with stocking the bar. This is going to be the most important element of this wedding. Gay men judge the success of an event not by the buzz exchanged between the guests after the party, but rather by the buzz the party gives them. This means that you must stock top shelf liquors. Do not try to be cheap because the client will know immediately. Gay men demand quality cocktails and will inspect the seals on your bottles to ensure they have not been watered down. Allow ample space at the venue for your bar set-up, and recruit handsome servers. As for mixers, you won’t need to go overboard. I suggest stocking only lots of cranberry juice. You’ll need more cosmos at your gay wedding than you’d get by wringing out Carrie Bradshaw over a bathtub. Don't overlook sliced limes, oranges, berries and mint leaves needed for proper garnishes.


2. THE CAKE

A wedding cake at a gay man’s wedding is a lot like Reichen Lehmkuhl, fantastically gorgeous but without any real purpose. If it's a big wedding, a large wedding cake is symbolic if nothing else and should not be overlooked. However, you should understand that gay men don't eat wedding cake, especially before hitting a dance floor. Plan on allowing only enough cake to serve to the parents of the grooms, children, and any token straight couples. Anything more is a waste. You may wish to rent a realistic styrofoam cake to display, and for picture opportunities. Later you can wheel the cake into the prep area where you will slice up a real sheet cake for serving.


3. THE DINNER

The fact that dinner will largely be ignored is a good thing (see reasons above for not eating wedding cake). Be sure to charge your clients the full premium for each guest and realize that food is the cash cow of any gay men's wedding. You need to only plan about one-fifth of the usual food allotment when serving a crowd of gay men. Don't worry about the small number of men who won't be dancing. Those not on the dance floor will be busy flirting with the bartenders. Food and flirting do not mix.


4. THE SHIRT CHECK

No, I did not mean to say, “coat check.” Gay men will likely wish to check their shirts and hang them properly before hitting the dance floor. Provide racks and wooden hangers for this purpose. Charge a minimum of $4 per item checked.


5. BATHROOM ATTENDANTS

Gay weddings require bathroom attendants to offer hand towels to guests as they leave. This is also another opportunity to make a good deal of cash by stocking the sink areas with lots of menthol cigarettes, gum, breath mints, and pads of paper and pencils for exchanging phone numbers.


LESBIAN WEDDINGS

If you are to make your lesbian event a success you need to understand a few basic differences. You will need to focus less on the bar. Stock the bar heavily with white wine and mojitos and don't skimp on pretzels and peanuts to snack on. As for food, you cannot serve the same menu you might offer for a male crowd; lesbians will likely be disappointed with boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Instead, you should plan on large pans of spinach lasagna and garlic bread. Your female parties will also appreciate artichoke dips, hummus, and chicken livers. The same goes for the wedding cake—make it spectacular and plentiful! But we aware that lesbians favor environmentally friendly events. You must make sure that the cake’s height does not become a problem when transported in a Prius. Also, be sure to designate an outdoor relief area for the many dogs and cats that will be in attendance.


You are now ready to dive into the burgeoning world of gay weddings! Gays are a loyal group of people. Once you have demonstrated your ability to razzle dazzle, you will have clients for life. Be sure to distribute professional looking business cards to your clients and to their friends. Before long your calendar will be booked full with weddings, showers for babies (and their donors), and gay divorce parties.


*ON A SERIOUS AND JOYFUL NOTE!*

While writing this post, I was completely thrilled to learn that CONGRATULATIONS go out to Matt & Adam for officially tying the knot today! Many of you may know Matt from Mattbites. Ed and I have shared a few meals with Matt and Adam, and there is no denying their infectiously warm, engaging, and amiable personalities. I can't help but smile to realize that our government now recognizes their love for each other as being no more, or no less valid, than the love exchanged between any other two people in a committed, loving relationship. This day is so very long overdue! I am so happy for Matt and Adam. I wish you both continued love, health, and happiness in your married life together!

15 comments:

matt armendariz said...

You have offered a gold mine to potential caterers the world over! I do believe you should follow up with "Gay Weddings For Bears". On second thought, don't.

As far as the kind words, I'm blushing right now. You have made us so happy and touched us with your words. We love you guys!

christianne said...

That is a fantastic post! So funny....love the business plan for caterers.

Rachael said...

Well, I will have my business cards ready and meet you at the Abbey! (wink)

Bistro 613 said...

Ha! Great post. You're next, right kids? :)

Acme Instant Food said...

Rachael, in case you arrive first, would you be so dear as to get me a Johnnie Walker (Black) on the rocks? Kisses.

Bistro, when I start critiquing wedding cake flavors I think you'll get the hint!

Anonymous said...

Are you kidding!!! These are the exact idea's/ideals that keep people thinking crazy things about us - gay's and lesbians - not all lesbians are "unaware" of how unhealthy all of the food that you mentioned was... get a grip!!! and i know plenty of gay men who would never "check their shirts" at a wedding...

Shakespere said...

Hi. I enjoyed reading your blog. IT was interesting. Thanks.

Sean said...

High-fucking-larious! And all good info for our upcoming nuptials. :)

Lis said...

So funny!! What a great post, Kevin! :)

I'm more than tickled that our government has finally realized that there is no difference in a loving committed relationship regardless of sexual preference.

And I have to agree with Bistro's comment.. I hope you two will be enjoying your own nuptuals in the near future. :)

I think of you often and hope all is well on your side of the world!

Hugs,
xoxo

Garrett said...

Lesbians fucking love hummus. It's encoded in their DNA.

Hilarious post. ;)

jb said...

Hey

I really enjoyed reading your blog so funny. I'm in the restaurant business so i get it. If you can read my blog you'll enjoy it. Oh by the way i make my own hummus from scratch man that's funny.


Cheers
JB

michelle @ TNS said...

lesbian weddings should also have pigs in blankets. it seems contrary but there it is.

this is a fantastic niche market that had never occurred to me before...i can cook the crap out of a boneless, skinless chicken breast.

iamchanelle said...

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU?

i miss acme posts.

Anonymous said...

This was really offensive. I'm a member of the gay community and found this in poor taste. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Anonymous said...

This was very offensive to me, as a gay man. Very insensitive.