ONCE UPON A MIDNIGHT DREARY, or, Cookies so Easy You Can Make Them With One Hand!

I do sometimes get the munchies at midnight...

My grandmother used to make these cookies/candy (I think they need their own classification somehow) and she called them "Hopscotch Cookies." I've changed the name for the fall holidays and call them Haystack Cookies. I don't frankly care what they are called because they are so addicting. I wouldn't stop eating them even if Dracula was barreling down on my neck faster than Marie Osmond to a dance floor.


HAYSTACK COOKIES
So Easy You Can Make Them With Only One Hand

1 6oz package butterscotch morsels
1/2 cup peanut butter
2 cups miniature marshmallows
3 oz chow mein noodles

Melt butterscotch morsels and peanut butter over very low heat. Mix marshmallows and noodles together and stir into butterscotch mixture. Drop by tablespoons on wax paper and chill until set.



I love this clever cocktail garnish that "Thing" tossed in my martini. I found this idea somewhere on the internet and I'm sorry to say that I don't remember where and can't give due credit.

Use a vegetable peeler or very small paring knife to carve a hollow in a radish on the end opposite the root end. Then, scratch and peel small strips of the red skin away from end to end. Place a pimento stuffed olive into the hollow, with the pimento facing out. Plop into your guest's martinti for a ghastly good effect.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered , weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore--
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door--
Only this and nothing more."

From "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe

SOMETHING ABOUT MERCURY...

I hold a record that I'm very proud of. Err...I held a record that is. In all the years of toting a cell phone I've never broken, smashed, flushed or lost one. Everyone I know has run to the store for a replacement when something goes haywire or the phone gets mysteriously dropped into a fish tank. Mine have always endured until my contract allows for a new one at which time the old phone goes into a drawer someplace to gather dust. Until the other day...



I was rushing to print out some document when my printer ink cartridge ran out. I installed a new one to discover it was defective, leaving only smeary half-tone streaks across the paper.





Later that same day, Ed was returning home from work and was involved in a four-car pile-up, sending a potentially drunk driver to the hospital on a stretcher. He left four severely mangled cars and deployed airbags in his wake. Most thankfully, Ed walked away with just a headache and trash bags holding the remains of his car.


But it gets worse folks. So much worse.

This is my highly prized chocolate almond biscotti.

Or I should say this is how my highly prized chocolate almond biscotti came out the other day! This is the exact recipe and technique that I used last year during the holidays. I probably made about 30 lbs of the stuff and every batch came out beautifully.

I started wondering why everything in my life was suddenly crumbling (literally) all around me. I began to wonder if Homeland Security agents had targeted me as a terrorist and were implementing new strategies to drive me from the country.

Someone casually commented on all of the above by saying, "You know why this happened, don't you?" I stared with incredulous eyes, wondering what insight into my life she held. She continued by saying, "Mercury is in retrograde!"

I don't think Mercury had much to do with any of this. I do think perhaps the mercury in my oven's thermometer has gone bezerk.

STRAWBERRY SHRIMP

*NOTE*
Yes, I know this photo looks like the shiny resin recreation of menu items that Chinese restaurants love to display in their windows. But it's not dusty plastic. It was just quickly photographed in bad light while a hungry guy sat at the table and waited patiently for his food to finish its close-up.

There once was a strange little Chinese restaurant in West Hollywood. I say that it was strange because it sat on its little corner lot for many years...

...and nobody ever ate there.

Now West Hollywood isn't exactly known for its cheap rent. The little eatery sat there with its lights glowing, doors open wide, and tables set and awaiting hungry diners. But you never saw anyone eating there. In the space next door, several restaurants came and went in a few years time. They boasted valet parking, inventive decor, and decent menus. These are all the things that folks in West Hollywood look for in a restaurant (in just that order). But it wasn't enough to keep the business afloat so they were eventually shuttered. And right next door the gears of the tiny Chinese restaurant continued to slowly turn, quietly ratcheting along, month after month and year after year. All alone.

I liked to invent stories about the restaurant that I nicknamed, "The Little Chinese Restaurant That Could." I envisioned drug deals in its kitchen and an illegal form of ice in the walk-in freezer. Or I thought it might be owned by some wealthy businessman who purposely milked the money hemorraging restaurant for every sweet tax-deductible drop.

It finally served its last almond cookie and was bought by another establishment seeking to expand. I managed to eat there on just one occasion. The biggest negative point was quite plainly the odd atmosphere created by the lack of other diners. The food was found to be quite enjoyable.

Although this outing happened many years ago I still remember the Strawberry Shrimp that I ordered. I frequently try to create my own version of restaurant dishes and finally I set out to make my own strawberry shrimp. My archived memory of their dish was rather stale so I found myself building my own interpretation with some hope for the best. I was only certain that I would omit the red coloring that they had unfortunately chose to give the dish, resulting in that candy apple-colored sweet and sour sauce. I wasn't at all displeased with the result, and judging from the clean plate sitting in front of Ed when dinner was over I believe he enjoyed it too.

STRAWBERRY SHRIMP

2 cups sliced ripe strawberries*
1/3 cup rice vinegar
3/4 lbs cleaned, medium-sized shrimp (about 18)
1 tsp cornstarch
1 TBS sugar
2 TBS soy sauce
1 TBS canola or veggie oil
1/2 medium-sized sweet onion, cut into bite-sized pieces
1/2 cup carrots, cut into bite-sized pieces
1/2 cup pineapple chunks (canned works fine)
garlic/chili paste to taste
Additional sugar to taste (1 to 2 TBS)

Combine chopped berries and rice vinegar in saucepan over medium-high heat. When vinegar begins to boil, reduce heat to low, cover and cook for about 5 minutes. Remove from heat and mash any remaining large berry chunks. Set aside and let cool.

Place shrimp in glass or stainless bowl with cornstarch, 1 TBS sugar, and soy sauce. Mix well. Add oil to skillet and heat until very hot. Very carefully add shrimp mixture and cook and stir until shrimp just begin to turn opaque. Quickly remove shrimp from pan before they are completely cooked and set aside. Add onion and carrots to the skillet and continue to cook over high heat, stirring frequently until veggies are crisp tender (5 minutes). Add pineapple and cook for another minute. Return shrimp to skillet with veggies and pineapple and add strawberry mixture. Add garlic/chili paste to taste. Depending upon the sweetness of your berries*, you may need to add additional sugar (1 or 2 TBS) if needed. Continue to cook and stir for another minute or until shrimp are fully cooked and sauce is hot.

Serve with rice.

* I was fortunate to have very ripe, very sweet berries, which I think contributed to the success of this dish. I have a freezer full of gorgeous Oxnard berries which are absolute gems.

THE DAY ALIENS ATTACKED VIRGINIA

A classic Twilight Zone episode featured aliens who show up on Earth and promise an end to the woes of mankind. Humans rejoice as the plagues of the Earth are slowly brought to an end. We later learn that the manual these helpful alien beings work from is entitled "To Serve Man". Unfortunately, the volume turns out to be a cookbook, featuring humans as the celebrated ingredient.

S'kat recounts her experience of being visited by small, sticky red aliens. However, she cleverly turned the tables and discovered just how tasty these globulous beings can be. The twist in her tale is that these are not actually alien life forms, but her own personal invasion of Acme Instant Ingredients.



I wish to give specials thanks to the life forms at Serious Eats who gave a nod to me and Acme Instant Ingredients on Friday. These guys have exceptionally good taste (yum), which should be apparent to any food lover who hasn't been visiting another planet for the last year. If you have, I suggest you find time to put away the space helmet, sit down at their table and dive into their amazing content.

MORE ACME INSTANT INGREDIENTS

I'm your Acme Instant Food guy! Are you tired, run-down, listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little blog post!

Since that post hit the internet thousands, hundreds a handful of happy peppy people have traded in their ho-hum run of the mill dinners for something new and exciting using Acme Instant Ingredients!

Ed Tep (Is It EDible) got down and got dirty with naughty couscous. No, I'm not explaining this you'll just have to read his post.




Since Becke (Columbus Foodie) received her package she's been adorning her dishes with the stinking rose!




To the rest of you who tuned in for A.I.I., send me the links to your posts so I may include them here.

ACME INSTANT INGREDIENTS - CRAB CAKES WITH "BREWED RICE" AND CORN

August is just one of those months that rolls in and out and you don't really notice. There is nothing special to celebrate in August. February boasts Valentine's Day and cards, chocolates and other assorted romantic and/or erotic pleasures to add some eagerly anticipated heat to otherwise cool and chilly winter evenings (and mornings if you're lucky!). December brings a sleigh full of goodies to those well behaved little girls and boys (although somehow I still manage to find my stocking fully stuffed on December 25th--go figure!). But August just doesn't hold the promise of anything fun in the way of a gift, a specially addressed envelope, or...anything.


Until this past August.


I returned home one evening to find this on my doorstep:




Never have I seen a package sent through the mail arrive so artfully gift-wrapped. It wasn't a parcel so much as an expertly crafted collage of glistening Van Gogh images, watercolors and a cute little monkey offering happy greetings. The postmark was from Virginia. What could it be? I was told that the adult novelty item I had ordered over the Internet would ship in "plain packaging" so I quickly crossed that off my list.





A few quick passes of my knife across the packing tape revealed what was inside,

Acme Instant Ingredients!

The aim of Acme Instant Ingredients was to turn on a fellow food blogger to new ingredients and inspire new recipes. It was to stretch the envelope a bit and lend a hand (or a gentle kick in the ass) to travel a new road and taste something new.

It turns out that my ingredient exchange buddy, S'kat and the Food, totally outdid herself and shipped an entire package of creative ingredients that are local to her in Virginia. In a flurry of torn paper reminiscent of Christmas morning, I found my dining room table filled with new goodies including:

An assortment of beers from St. George Brewing Company, a microbrewery in Virginia

A can of Virginia peanuts

Stadler's Country Ham

and...

A tub of lard (perhaps born from the remains of my new country ham friend).

Well, fast-forward to today when I found time to dive in and start cooking. I contemplated combining the ingredients to make beer-brined country ham simmered in lard with a peanut crust but quickly thought better of it. Instead, I popped open a bottle of lager from the St. George Brewing Company and left myself open to whatever inspiration struck.


Some frozen crab legs were withdrawn from the depths of the freezer. Brown rice, corn and the bottle of lager joined the icy crustacean limbs on the counter and I set to work.

Instead of using water, I cooked the brown rice in the beer. The corn was blistered in a small amount of oil over very high heat then mashed with my mortal and pestle. The crabmeat was later introduced to the delicately yeast-scented rice with the summer corn and some butter.

The verdict? DELICIOUS!!!




Not only did our little ingredient exchange spark some creativity this evening, but now I'm totally turned on to the "brewed rice." The flavors are so complimentary that now I'm determined to try a risotto with some beer, chicken stock, and grilled veggies including corn and zucchini.

What's more exciting is that I have yet to explore the other goodies that were so thoughtfully shipped. I confess that I'm a bit stumped, and perhaps more than a tad frightened by, the tub of lard. It's foreign to a guy from L.A. whose closest brush with authentic southern cooking is watching re-runs of Designing Women. Anyone have some recipe suggestions that I can try? I admit that I've yet to ever make a pie crust from scratch...




My dearest S'kat, thank you for playing along with A.I.I. My only complaint is that next year, I expect that I'll run to my mailbox every day and walk back, let down and disappointed that no shimmering box of taste-treat sensations has arrived (hint, hint). If I ever move from this address, I'll be sure to drop a note to you with the forwarding information.

CRAB CAKES WITH "BREWED RICE" AND CORN

1/2 cup brown rice
1 cup beer
2 cups crab meat (I started with 2 lbs. of crab legs)
1 cup corn kernels
4 TBS butter, melted
2 egg whites
2 TBS flour
1/2 TBS salt-free blacked fish seasoning mix
pinch salt
small amount of olive oil or canola oil (approx 3-4 TBS)

Bring rice and beer to a simmer in small saucepan. Cover, reduce heat to low and cook 35 minutes or until beer is absorbed. Set aside to cool. Add roughly 1 TBS oil to skillet and heat until oil begins to smoke. Add corn and cook quickly over high heat until kernels begin to blister and brown. Mash corn with mortar and pestle.

In a large bowl, combine rice, crabmeat, mashed corn, egg whites, butter, flour and seasonings. Mix well. Heat skillet over medium heat with a small amount of oil. Shape crab mixture into 2" balls and add to skillet in small batches, flattening only slightly with spatula. Cook until browned on each side (about 2-3 minutes per side) and place on cookie sheet in warm over to keep hot. Repeat until remaining crab mixture is cooked.

I served these hot over spinach leaves tossed in a tiny bit of sesame oil, rice vinegar and a pinch of sugar and fresh cracked black pepper.