EXPIRATION DAY IS HERE!!!

AUGUST 30, 2007

THE END IS NEAR FOLKS!

OH, THE HORROR!

This is the final installment on my discovery of "fresh" whole-wheat wraps with a shelf life of 90 days (I'm still nauseated by that). It began with my initial posting and my letter to the La Tortilla Factory on June 12. I felt compelled to write to them regarding my shock when I first realized that the package of tortillas that I purchased on June 11 was given a "sell-by" date of August 30. Their response was appreciated and professional, yet left me feeling uneasy about how a baked product with sunflower seeds, olive oils and whole grains could be made to last such an unnaturally long life.

I posted a follow-up and taste test on July 25. There was no visible mold. And, they were not drying out like I would expect tortillas to do after one month. Creepy!

The sell-by date is now upon us!


Are they cursed with eternal life?


Will the Frankentortillas survive?


Will I be getting a phone call from Universal's lawyers?

WAVING THE WHITE FLAG

I'm a peach man living in a grape house.

That conjures up images, doesn't it? No, my house isn't painted some Technicolor purple a la Dr. Seuss. Nor do I have flesh resembling the fuzzy pinky-orange hue of a peach. What I mean is that I love peaches.

I love them. I LOVE them. I LOVE THEM!!!

But sweet, sweet peach love is a mistress that I romance all by myself. Ed does nibble on grapes occasionally, but juicy bursts of most any fruit goodness just doesn't put a shine on his apple. Nope. When I bring home fat juicy peaches at their peak of ripeness I rest comfortably knowing that they are mine. All mine.

One year ago I shared my sticky sweet peach passions with Lis (La Mia Cucina) and Ivonne (Cream Puffs in Venice) for their first Festa Al Fresco event. Their virtual patio party featured picnic tables set with an abundance of foods made with fresh, seasonal ingredients gathered by food bloggers around the globe. I brought a pitcher of Garden Peach Margaritas to the party, made from fresh peaches and a touch of sweet basil plucked from my garden. Sadly, I was asked to leave the party early when, emboldened by a few refills of my margaritas, I tried to entertain myself by hatching a string of false rumors. I simply suggested to a circle of guests that Pim, Elise, and David were actually all the same person, just blogging under different names. Not one person could remember having seen them all in the same room together. Then, I whispered in a few ears that Keiko was under investigation for selling babies stolen from London's underground. Then I threw up and passed out in Lis' prized hydrangeas.

Some people just have no sense of humor.



I was warned that hounds would be released if I showed up at the party this year. I instead sought ideas for a peace offering to send. Inspiration came in the form of a comment I received on the Garden Peach Margarita posting last year:

christine said...

Umm, those little flecks of basil and peach are gorgeous. Wouldn't this make a stunning sorbet????

Cheers,
Christine (myplateoryours)

9/05/2006 1:18 PM

My friend, you are a genius!

The frozen churned result is a lovely marriage of peaches, fresh lime juice, basil and tequila. Even though I call it a "margarita" sorbet, the result isn't something you'd envision yourself eating while perched on a bar stool. You'd feel more at home enjoying it on a soft carpet of shaggy grass in the middle of a peach grove in sunny California. I'm growing sad thinking that those juicy peaches will disappear from the market soon. I may make room in the second freezer for a few pounds of peaches, washed, pitted, sliced and stored away for future use.

Lis and Ivonne, I'll expedite a batch to the Festa Al Fresco and I hope you enjoy it. Christine, thanks for the inspiration!




GARDEN PEACH MARGARITA SORBET

4 large ripe peaches
3/4 cup sugar
3 TBS fresh lime juice
3 TBS tequila
1 and 1/2 TBS fresh basil, minced
pinch salt

Wash peaches (but do not peel), cut in half and remove stones. Slice peaches into large chunks and place in a food processor. Add remaining ingredients and puree together until sugar is well incorporated and mixture is smooth. Chill peach mixture and then churn and freeze in ice cream maker according to directions.

THE EYEBALLS YOU SAVE MAY JUST BE YOUR OWN!

Marketing is fun. No, I'm not talking about the act of pushing the aluminum cart down the brisk aisles of Whole Foods Market and sneaking glances over your shoulder for store personnel before popping chocolate covered pretzels from the bulk candy bin into your mouth. However, Ed will argue that I do actually enjoy going to the store. I find it thoroughly relaxing and I'd be happy to spend a few hours shopping for groceries. Clerks at the Pavilions in Burbank stop and take their coffee break with me. The Pillsbury Dough Boy waves at me from the deli case and Mama Celeste is always trying to seduce me with sangria from the liquor department before pushing frozen pizzas on me. Good times!

The marketing I’m referring to is the brand of marketing delivered to us from Madison Avenue. I’ve always thought that sitting behind a desk and dreaming up innovative catch phrases and mind-numbing product jingles would be great fun. The other day I visited the website for Volkswagen. I wanted to look at their new hard top convertible automobile. The clever marketing team gave me a chuckle as I waited for the graphic-intensive website to load. They precluded some required legal ramblings with:

“Legal copy is more fun to read if you pretend munchkins are singing it.”

So that is exactly what I did and I discovered that they are right. It was more fun. I did get an odd glance from the mailman as he entered my office just as I was doing my best Lollipop Guild impersonation on how features, options and colors were subject to change without notice.

The menu here at Acme Instant Food is intended to offer tasty meals and nibbles, albeit served up with a steaming hot side of irreverent humor. However, none of the content is really valuable to any of the prison inmates, disbarred lawyers or self-mutilating artists who actually visit my website if it isn’t presented in a manner that makes it enjoyable to read.

Susan at Farmgirl Fare recently pondered her own website’s readability factor. She realized that she made her choice of fonts based on viewing her work on her own monitor. This led her to poll her audience about which font they found easiest to read and received some valuable feedback from her readers.

I guess all that clean country livin' does a brain good because that Susan is a smart girl.

Her move led me to examine the assaulting color cacophony that is Acme Instant Food. For me, cooking is a passionately creative activity. I want Acme to represent the light and jovial approach that I take to cooking. I like the fact that my blog looks like Roger Rabbit could come busting through the background at any given moment with a loud, open-armed “Tah-dahhh”! At the same time, I want the information posted here to be legible and not trigger epileptic seizures on unsuspecting visitors.

So I’d like to ask the opinion those of you brave enough (or masochistic enough) to have read this far.

1) Is the navy blue text legible enough?

2) Is the yellow background painful to look at?

3) Is the text size adequate, or should it be larger?

4) How many martinis must you consume before you gather enough courage to visit here?

Also, I’d love it if you’d say “hello” (especially all of you non-commenting lurkers out there) and give me an idea of who my readers are. Feel free to leave any additional comments about my site that you’d care to share. Thanks for taking a moment to help out. The eyeballs that you save just may be your own!

And just for kicks, when you read the comments left by others, read them out loud using your best munchkin voice. Go ahead. Try it! Give your mailman something to talk about with his wife tonight at dinner.

WATERMELON SALSA

Watermelon Salsa

This salsa tastes like a low flying kite on the beach where a shaggy Labrador runs circles in the sand, barking at the kite's tail as it dips and taunts just overhead.

This salsa tastes like a fast run through the sprinklers on the front lawn during a hot August afternoon.

This salsa tastes like the impatient jingle of coins in your hand as your eyes scan the slightly faded lettering on the side of the large white truck listing snow cones, Dreamsicles, and Drumsticks, those chocolate covered ice cream cones coated with crushed peanuts.

Yep, that's the best way to describe this salsa. It's a fresh, cool, crisp summer treat with just a touch of peppery warmth following the lightly sweet crunch. I spooned it over boneless chicken breasts (pounded to 3/4 inch thickness), brushed lightly with olive oil and a light sprinkle of salt and grilled until just done.

Oh my God I want more now!


WATERMELON SALSA
*approximate amounts--vary to suit your taste

2 cups fresh ripe watermelon, diced
1/2 medium cucumber peeled and diced
1/2 cup sweet onion, diced (Walla Walla, Vidalia, Maui, etc)
1/2 jalapeno, seeded and diced fine
8 to 10 large sweet basil leaves, chopped fine
3 TBS fresh lime juice (add additional to taste)
1/2 tsp garlic salt

Combine all ingredients together, stirring gently, and serve immediately*. Best enjoyed while sitting in the grass, under a tree, barefoot.

*To prepare in advance, mix all ingredients except for the watermelon, and chill. Add diced, chilled watermelon just prior to serving. The watermelon exudes a bit of excess water if it stands long. Drain watermelon briefly in strainer before adding.

HtorB nekcihC dna reeB ni pmirhS (use a mirror...)

Sometimes I cook backwards.

I gleefully escaped the confines of my office this evening and began to think about dinner. I wanted something fairly light and decided I'd use up the remainder of some frozen shrimp. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do exactly....but I could vaguely see something brothy and pretty in a rustic Asian kind of way. It would be something light and fresh.

A mental picture emerged out of the clanging cacophony in my mind (a chaotic place indeed) and I suddenly visualized dinner before I really knew what it was exactly. Plump briny shrimp, brilliant emerald spring onions and crunchy baby corn plunged into a rich broth. Two small islands of rice rose out of the bowl, one mound of black and another of red rice. Gorgeous.

And so it was.

I walked backwards from the image of the steaming bowls in my mind and navigated in reverse through the cooking process, and finally arrived at the list of necessary ingredients.

I'm a whack job.

It wasn't bad, although I would only make it again with some modifications. I used equal parts of beer and chicken broth which I'd like to tip a bit more in the direction of the chicken broth. It also lacked a bit of zing. What I've done below is record the recipe as I'd like to try it again. I think it'll be quite tasty this way. If you try it, drop me a note and tell me in which direction you'd aim your thumb.

You can put the mirrors away now.


SHRIMP IN BEER AND CHICKEN BROTH,
with black and red rice

1 Cup Beer ( I used Bass Ale)
3 Cups low salt chicken broth
2 TBS honey
2 TBS soy sauce
1 tsp finely minced ginger
2 cloves garlic, mashed
1 tsp (or more if you are me) red chile flakes

4 spring onions, sliced into 1-inch pieces (white and green parts)
small bunch of cilantro, chopped (yes Laura Rebecca, you may omit *sigh*)
1 small can baby carrots, halved
small bunch of fresh snow peas, cleaned and sliced in half

roughly 1 lb (scant) medium shrimp, cleaned

1 Cup each of cooked red and black rice (I find it packaged as "Forbidden Rice")

Add beer and chicken broth to a medium saucepan and cook over medium heat to reduce by about one-third. Add honey, soy sauce, ginger, garlic and chile flakes. Continue cooking about five minutes more. Add vegetables and continue to simmer two minutes. Add shrimp, cook and stir until shrimp are just opaque*.





* Shrimp, when dumped into simmering liquid, are overdone faster than a NASA astronaut during happy hour. Once overcooked they toughen up and turn into little pink curls of blown-out Firestone tires (the shrimp--not the astronauts). Turn off the heat and remove the pot from the burner a few moments before you think the shrimp are done. They will continue to cook in the hot broth and should be served up immediately. They will be tender and succulent! Thank you for listening, I'll step down now.




Mound one third cup of red rice in each of three shallow bowls. Mound another one-third cup of black rice in each as well. Ladle shrimp mixture and broth into bowls around rice.

Makes about three servings.