FROM THE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING FILE

This is immediately what came to mind when I saw Annie Liebovitz's photo of Miley. I had to share this because a sick mind is a terrible thing to waste.

*I'll return to food postings very soon--that is, if If anyone can stomach it.

QUINOA CAKES WITH SHRIMP AND SPICY TOMATO SAUCE

Hello there. I'm back. I didn't become a member of Exodus International and move to Oklahoma to join Sally Kern's re-election campaign as many of you feared. I've just been busy, busy, busy with new projects (hopefully I'll be able to share some of it with you in the near future!) and also fighting a slight case of cooking block. I'm happy to announce that today I broke through my block and the kitchen once again smells like something other than my bottle of homemade vanilla extract that I spilled inside the cupboard.

Quinoa (prounced KEEN-wah) sounds like some form of martial arts to me. It's not, but if you are being mugged at 3 am you could always try shouting, "Stop! I'm a quinoa master and I don't want to have to kill you scumbag!" But a glance at the back of the box revealed that quinoa is a South American crop producing a grain with a high protein content, free from any gluten or wheat. Maybe not as handy at 3 am in a sketchy part of town, but it sounds good for improving your diet with whole grains and lean proteins which I'm all for these days.

I simmered the quinoa in low sodium, fat-free chicken broth instead of water. When finished, it was soft, fluffy,and somewhat alien looking, like tiny pod people waiting to hatch. I recovered from my first impression with my first bite. DELICIOUS! Similiar to brown rice in both taste and texture, but with a little more depth and less grassy taste. I was delighted to try something new and break out of my uninspiring cooking rut. Quinoa photo courtesy of Wikipedia


I discovered a recipe on Epicurious for savory quinoa cakes, topped with an eggplant ragu. I liked the idea of sauteeing the quinoa cake in olive oil to brown the outside, but the overall recipe sounded flat and bland. I took liberties and produced the version below, which turned out crispy, tasty, and is bound to be made again and again!


QUINOA CAKES WITH SHRIMP AND SPICY TOMATO SAUCE

1 3/4 cups low sodium, fat-free chicken broth (or good homemade broth)
fresh cracked pepper
1 cup quinoa, rinsed very well and drained
2 large eggs, beaten
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp dried tyme
1/2 tsp salt (to taste)
2 large garlic cloves, finely minced (I swear, I go to bed with garlic scented fingers every night--it's not at all sexy))

approx. 4-5 TBS olive oil

3/4 lb shrimp, cleaned

Spicy Tomato Sauce - See recipe below


Bring chicken broth seasoned with a few good turns of fresh cracked pepper to a boil in a medium saucepan. Add drained quinoa, stir and return broth to a boil. When boiling, cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes. Remove from heat and stir. Quinoa should have absorbed all broth (cook it just as you would rice). Pour quinoa into a bowl and let cool. Add beaten eggs, oregano, tyme, salt and garlic, stirring until very well incorporated. Heat approximately 2 TBS olive oil in skillet until hot, but not smoking. Scoop quinoa mixture with a 1/3 cup measure and drop into skillet. Press lightly with spatula to form patty about 3/4 inch thick. Add two more patties to skillet and cook over medium heat until edges are browned, roughly 3 to 4 minutes. Carefully turn patties over (I guided with two spatulas to help avoid breaking). Cook until second side is also golden brown, then remove and place on paper to drain any excess oil. Add 2 more TBS olive oil to skillet if needed and repeat until mixture is used (should make roughly 7 to 8 patties).

Coarsely chop cleaned shrimp into bite-sized pieces. Sautee in 1 TBS olive oil in non-stick skillet over medium heat, shaking pan occasionally and removing shrimp immediately when they turn opaque--usually no more than 3 to 4 minutes.

Top each patty with a generous sloshing of warm tomato sauce and place equal portions of cooked shrimp on each. Serve and be happy!

I also think a nice basil chiffonade sprinkled over each serving would be a great idea.


SPICY TOMATO SAUCE*

*This is my go-to recipe for tomato sauce and I don't really have an exact recipe. I've given you the approximate measures here. Use this, or find a good basic tomato sauce recipe to use. I make this in large batches and freeze leftover sauce to use for quick dinners over whole-what pasta. You can half this recipe if desired.

4 to 5 TBS olive oil
1 large onion, chopped
2 medium-sized carrots, finely chopped
1 California bay leaf
6 to 8 garlic cloves, minced (told ya I always have garlic scented fingers)
salt and pepper to taste
1 TBS dried tyme
1/2 tsp saffron threads (optional)
crushed red peppers (to taste--be brave!)

2, 28 oz cans crushed tomatoes (preferably Italian)

Add oil to large, heavy pot and heat over medium-high heat. Add onion, carrots, and bay leaft, cooking and stirring occasionally for about 8-10 minutes or until vegetables are soft. Add garlic cloves, salt, pepper, tyme and saffron. Cook and stir another 2-3 minutes. Add crushed tomatoes, lower heat to medium-low, cover, and simmer for a minimum of 45 minutes, or up to an hour and a half over very low heat. Stir occasionally and lower heat if necessary to prevent sauce from sticking to bottom of pan. Remove bay leaf before serving.

TURKEY MEATBALLS IN A SPICY, CHIPOTLE BEER BROTH

Why do people turn into such snobs when it comes to Mexican food? "Oh no! That's not authentic Mexican -- it's just a cheese-ball, Americanized, gastrointestinal experiment in the flash point of lard!"

Those idiots just don't know how to do it right. Allow me:

1. Make reservation (or possibly just knock on the back of the RV parked in the alley)
2. Order tequila. Cazadores please!
3. Suck the aromatic beverage down and roll out the welcome mat to funky blue agave town!
4. Order anything off the menu! It's all fabulous at this point!

We adore Mexican food. Frankly, we adore it too much. It doesn't need to be terribly authentic or gourmet, often times the simple and "gringo-friendly" fare at one of our local haunts is just as satisfying as the more authentic, regional dishes at a more upscale restaurant. WHO CARES!!! Slow cooked, shredded pork, tomatillo sauces, chilies...it's all good.

We've been on a bit of a south of the border food spree this week. We began Saturday night at Mexico City on Hillhurst, which segued into flaming margaritas at El Compadre on Sunset Boulevard, which will all be capped by donning our disguises and sneaking into the back door of El Coyote for our traditional Thursday night out with da' boys. I thought it would be unfitting to break the pattern tonight so I set out to make something with the Mexican flair, that wouldn't make our midsections flare.




I "winged" this recipe and found myself unable to stop eating the meatballs! LOVED IT! Ed wasn't quite so pleased as he tends to not enjoy ground turkey (no matter how well seasoned or disguised). Sorry Ed! Hey, if you are not gonna eat those, roll that meatball my way, would ya? Thanks babe!



TURKEY MEATBALLS IN A SPICY, CHIPOTLE BEER BROTH

1.25 lbs Lean ground turkey
1/2 sweet yellow onion, minced
1 jalapeno, seeded and minced
1 large bunch cilantro, chopped (tops only)
6 large garlic cloves, minced
salt (2 tsp) & cracked pepper (lots!) to taste
1 tsp cumin
pinch cinnamon
5 TBS olive oil (total)
2 eggs, lightly beaten

6 cups chicken stock (low-sodium if using canned)
1 bottle Mexican beer, such as Corona
1 cup diced, canned tomatoes
1 large carrot, peeled and cut into bite-sized pieces
1 chipotle pepper in adobo sauce (use more sauce from can if you want more spice!)
1 cup corn kernels


Place turkey, onion, jalapeno, cilantro, garlic, salt, pepper, cumin, cinnamon, 2 TBS olive oil, and eggs in mixing bowl. Combine using hands (yay, fun!), mixing just until ingredients are evenly incorporated. Pick out a small mound of meat mixture and roll into 1 1/2" meatballs, setting each aside on a cold plate when formed.




Pour about 2 TBS olive oil into a large skillet and heat over medium high flame. Add meatballs to skillet and cook, turning frequently, until well browned. You will most likely need to cook meatballs in two batches to avoid over-crowding the pan. Set cooked meatballs aside. When finished, deglaze skillet by pouring 2 cups of the chicken stock into skillet and scrape up all bits of leftover meat from skillet. Reserve stock.

Place tomatoes, carrot, minced chipotle, and beer in a stockpot. Bring to a boil, lower heat to medium and continue cooking for 10 minutes. Add reserved chicken stock from pan along with remaining 4 cups stock. Continue cooking, stirring occasionally, until carrots are crisp tender, about 8 to 10 minutes. Carefully add meatballs to pot and continue cooking for 5 to ten minutes, or until you can no longer resist the urge to slurp the entire pot down. But, try to avoid slurping the entire pot down until you let it cool slightly as the resulting burns would be unsightly and painful.

I'M BRINGIN' SEXY BACK ...

...IN THE FORM OF A RERUN.

It appears that a certain food blogger hasn't been fogging up his kitchen windows lately! I've been overly occupied with things that don't involve food and wouldn't be terribly fun to write about. So I'm dusting off this chocolaty tid-bit that is so apropos this time of year. It's from an old submission to Sugar High Friday. Forget buying commercial chocolates for your sweetie/lover/one night stand this Valentine's Day. Trust me, this is way more fun!

Welcome to Acme Instant Food and my submission to Sugar High Friday. Have we met before? It's my pleasure to have you here. Please, let me take your jacket. Now have a seat on the couch and make yourself comfortable. May I pour you a drink? Do you like Champagne? Mmmmm..good. Now I'd like to get to know you a bit better. You'll probably want to know me a little bit too because this particular entry is...well... it's a little bit intimate.

Don't be scared.

Are you still with me?

Good.

Sugar.




High.




Friday.

Three great words either on their own, or strung together.

Chocolate is the theme for this month's Sugar High Friday. Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to mention that we are not alone! Do you know David? Of course you do. Everyone knows David. David is the ONLY person who could be up to this task. He's hosting this sweet little event. Oh, but don't worry, he's just watching. You don't mind, do you?

Do you like Valentine's Day? I do. I love...love. And loving. But don't worry, because it's okay if you don't. In fact, some think it's better not to...

Did you already finish your Champagne? Here...let me pour you another glass. Hang on a second while I put on this CD. It's Barry White.

You like Barry? Don't worry if you don't know the music, just relax into it. Okay now, lower the lights. That's good. Maybe light some candles. Excellent. Am I making you nervous? It's okay. Don't worry. Get close to your monitor and make sure nobody is watching. A little closer. Mmmmmm good. I'm ready to share this with you. Just you right now, okay?

Don't worry. It's chocolate! You like chocolate, right? And, it's warm. Just a little. Let me show you...give me your hand.




It's delicious. And you've never had chocolate quite like this before. What's that? Oh, I see. You have, haven't you? Mmmmmm... I get it now: you are playing coy. Maybe you are ready for this after all...


Uh-oh, wait a minute. I think some other people are here. I feel eyes...watching us.


We have to wait a little bit longer. Just a little bit. These people here, you know, the ones watching us? They want some too. I don't have enough for everyone.

I have to show everybody now. Wait for me. Okay? Please wait.

I chose Dagoba Latte chocolate for this. For lots of reasons. Let me tell you...



1. Dagoba chocolate is organic. Uh, no, that's not what I said. I said 'organic'. We only want to share pure, sacred, organic chocolate ingredients.

2. Coffee--Provides stimulation. Prolongs the experience.

3. Cinnamon. Excites and arouses the senses. Intensifies your exotic charms.

4. Frederick Schilling (of Dagoba Chocolate).

Enough said about Frederick. You get the point.

ORGANIC CHOCOLATE BODY PAINT

2, 2 oz Dagoba Latte organic chocolate bars
1/4 cup heavy organic cream
1 tsp vegetable oil
*optional* tiny pinch of chili powder

Lower your kitchen lights and wear something comfortable. Break up the Dagoba Latte chocolate bars into small chunks and sprinkle with 1 tsp vegetable oil. Heat cream until hot--but not scorched or boiling. Pour cream over chocolate and let sit for 3 minutes. Then slowly and deliberately take charge, stirring mixture with a firm hand. Chocolate should slowly yield to you and give way to your gentle pressure. Don't stop until chocolate has given way and produces a smooth, velvety sauce.





For an extra exotic treat and sensation, add tiny pinch of chili powder and stir until blended. If chocolate is too thick to use as paint you may thin slightly with a small amount of warm cream or vegetable oil.

Okay, I have to go now. I have somebody waiting for me. I really love tattoos! But you know what to do with this now, right? This is one recipe that you will most definitely enjoy cleaning up.

Every.


Last.


Drop.

SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY!

Move over Sweeney Todd, the Phantom Mixologist of Hollywood is here!

The fact that any of the blood orange juice made it into the margaritas is a miracle. Each press of my juicer handle yielded rivulets of gorgeously perfumed, ruby juice that was simply just too tempting!

I squeezed.

I sipped.

And then I sipped some more.

I generally like margaritas to be on the tart and tough side. You know the kind I'm talking about; your first sip demonstrates with a spreading warmth that this drink is going to happily kick you in the ass! But the addition of blood oranges produces a beverage just sweet enough to beguile unrestrained refills from your guests. I enjoy serving stealth drinks. Since I'm not a football fan, I needed something to amuse myself on Superbowl Sunday, right?




If you've never bought blood oranges, you might be slightly put off by their appearance. They are smaller than regular oranges. Also, they have a thin and often unevenly colored skin which can give the appearance of being overripe and past their ideal. Cut one open and try the intensely flavored flesh and juice that has a sweet berry overtone. Buy enough some extra blood oranges to provide slices for garnishes and ample snacking. They are just too delicious to resist!

I've become a bit of a margarita snob lately. To make good margaritas you need to first know what NOT to use. Get rid of pre-made margarita mixes, triple-sec, and crappy tequila. Mixes simply add fake flavor and excess sugar to your drinks. Triple-sec adds a weird, overly-sweet metallic taste and should be nixed as well. Buy only quality 100% agave tequila. Please note that Jose Cuervo "Gold" is NOT 100% agave! I've become very fond of Cazadores and Herradura. Blanco (white or silver) tequilas work very well with their fresh and somewhat peppery flavors. Invest in some quality tequila and you'll be happy you did on "the morning after."


BLOOD ORANGE MARGARITAS

Mix together 2 parts tequila, 1 part Cointreau (or Grand Marnier), 1 part lime juice, 1 (scant) part simple syrup (equal parts water and sugar) and a few healthy splashes of blood orange juice to taste. Mix well and serve over lots of ice!

SCRABULICIOUS!

I used to believe that I was the only one in the family who could possibly derive extreme pleasure by spending countless consecutive hours playing with food.

Not so I've learned!

This is where I introduce Aaron Horwitz. Aaron is the crazy, mad genius son of my partner, Ed. Aaron usually spends time in front of a computer where he bangs out brilliant stories before he takes position behind the camera and coaxes them to life.

Recently he expanded his particular brand of creative genius into his kitchen...his refrigerator actually. A commercial for Pom Tea was born and submitted as an entry into their international video commercial contest! Did it surprise me to learn that the Pom People (PPs) placed their delightfully clever commercial as a top ten finalist out of HUNDREDS of commercial submissions? NOPE!






I've watched this video at least a dozen times! I especially love the clapping carrots. Appreciative veggies are always the best (and hard to find)!

Help Aaron win this contest!

Voting is now open at www.POMVIDEO.com. You can view all ten finalists and submit your vote for whichever video you feel is the best. Of course, as readers of Acme Instant Food you are overflowing with refined taste and an appreciation of talent, which compels you to place your vote for Scrabulicious! You can only vote once...once that is, from each computer. So, if you feel the need to watch again from home, your office, your boyfriend's apartment, your mistress' hotel room, the public library, etc, feel free to vote from each location.

Also, if you like the commercial you can watch a few of Aaron's short films on Youtube. His user name is TeamLionHeart and here is his page. Be sure not to miss "Wheelchair" as well as his "Axe" and "NBA" commercials.

Finally, you may have noticed that my web page has been trying on some new duds. I think we've just about arrived at our new look. Let me know if you experience any problems (and if you do, what browser are you using). Thanks!

TELL-TALE OATMEAL CHOCOLATE CHUNK COOKIES (with "one of those" Kevin stories)

I do my best, my very best, to not keep baked goods and other sweet treats around the house too often. The issue is not that I'm a maniacal health nut, but rather that I have little will power to resist incessant snacking on this type of goodie. I can exercise great restraint in a grocery store, or bakery, or chocolatier, but once the sugar laden item is in my home I am destined to eat it all.

The following post depicts the mental battle I wage against irresistible noshes. It was inspired by one of my favorite authors, Edgar Allan Poe. If you are a fan of the dreadfully literate Mr.Poe, you will recognize its inspiration, "The Tell-Tale Heart (complete story text here)." If you are not familiar with this brilliant short story, or not a fan of the author, you may wish to quickly close your browser window and surf over to a more benevolent food blog before things start to get weird.

The Tell-Tale Treats

True!--weak--very, very dreadfully weak have I been in the past when faced with internal restraint of sweetly tempting baked goods. But what flaw of character will you recognize in this tale and say that I am mad? I thought my actions through with acute inner vision and did not act in haste. Does a madman act with such calculation? My favor of all things both savory and sweet should have held me to respect for such goods. But it was my heightened love of sweets that caused me to stealthfully act out confectionery homicide!

Madness often accompanies such painfully elevated desires. The trays of freshly baked oatmeal cookies lay on the cool granite counter, exuding steam and warmth and settling into their lightly crisped perfection. Could a madman have baked such wonderful cookies?--no--could the Quaker man himself muster pride such as I over oatmeal cookies? If mad, could I have crafted so lovingly a recipe--pinch of cinnamon--zested orange--coconut? A nearly perfect specimen of wholesome oatmeal cookie!

But the the genesis of my fatal flaw lied not in the creation of these sugary peckings. No--my mortal weakness lay in the inability to resist more than a solitary man's serving of such treats. I was saddled with a close kinship to over-abundance. I could not resist returning, slowly returning, to the kitchen every few moments to spy the cookies and absorb the wafting aromas of sweetness and spice.

But the genesis of my fatal flaw lied not in the creation of these sugary peckings.

I stayed my distance in the doorway--a distance impossible to overcome by reach alone. But a distance not impossible to overcome in sneaky steps--without thought or effort. And oh--so closer on each successive visit to the kitchen! I tasted and it did not disappoint. Two was better. The third but an uncontrolled reflex! But realizing my weakness I stayed away--at least--I tried with great strength to stay away. But stay away I could not! I returned--slowly and riddled with ever-growing mental anguish and budding pools of overactive saliva. Cursed cookies!

Thoughts raced across my mind with the speed of hungry demons and I begin to glimpse the horrors of the consequences of my actions. Multiple samplings of the devilish cookies damned me to enslaved hours and hours of torture in the confines of our gym! Ghostly images of heavy weight stacks and motorized treadmills perched high in my mind like a midnight raven who had traveled from a distant shore--refusing to cease his gaze clear through my soul! The scent of putrid sweat and overly-mentholated muscle balm burned a phantom stench into my quivering nostrils! Swimming consternation and nausea washed over me. I struggled to regain soundness--my thoughts trained on just how to banish such fate! But how to dispel the grip of this cursed flavor? I knew the trays of temptation must not be allowed to remain!

I set to work with such skill, such craftiness, that surely Ed would never be the wiser! How could he? No trace of crumb, or softly yielding chocolate chunk would betray the cleverness that I'd employ in their disposal--no! He would be returning soon and the guarantee of my sane and swimsuit-ready existence depended upon the deed. I crept toward the pantry, skillfully, slowly and deliberately without a solitary glimpse of the demonic aluminum racks of oatmeal cookies. The wide, heavy door swung open easily as I knew it would, granting me access to the deep, dark, inner pantry depths within. The cold and stale air greeted my hands and fingers as I pried open the concealed, second inner door. So carefully I moved that not a creek or squeek was heard from the hinges! No light reached the far inner reaches--where only dead black shadows dared to circulate. Leaning far inward and balanced so to avoid losing balance, my hands at last reached the back. Ample room! Growing glee and relief replaced the plagues of my mind as I determined the cold, cavernous dark depths to be an adequate tomb.

I withdrew quickly. Certain returning pangs of unsatiated hunger threatened to overcome me if I did not act certainly and immediately. The box of shiny Reynold's Wrap Foil came to rest in my hand with the comfort of a dagger in the midst of attack against villanous invaders. Generous lengths of foil unwound quickly--so quickly! Minuscule drops of blood oozed as my thumb brushed the toothed razors of the box's edge. "Be damned!" I screamed as my calculated stalking exploded into maddening, murderous intent! Deftly, row after row of perfectly formed cookie was swept in a solitary deliberate stroke into the awaiting cupped foil coffin. I bound it again in surplus lengths of foil, dispensed from the box in needless generosity. My pulse abated as I stepped back to view my handiwork. No cookie remained. No crumb escaped my rag. All that remained was a dissipating aroma that now skirted the possibility of merely memory. It was done!

I returned to the open pantry and heaved the foil bound treats into the darkness. Carefully, with cunning cleverness never before matched, canned corn, chipotle peppers, and boxed oat bran I stacked in front of the offending cookies. Even Ed's watchful eye couldn't have spied the disturbance of the pantry contents. Such cleverness! A damp rag wiped the tiniest bloom of crimson blood from my thumb and the inner and outer pantry doors closed quietly. Do you still find me mad?

The garage door rumbled open and welcomed the 7 pm hour. Ed was returning home. Surely any pangs of guilt or bloated excess had vanished--my countenance clear and bright! No trace of my mission remained--no spot or chaos survived! I greeted him with assured confidence as he entered. I smiled, for nothing would deceive the air of confidence and surety that had settled over my being. What could, what had I to fear? My concealment was perfect, unmarred.

I noticed a pause in his step outside the kitchen door. A pause so brief I doubted its recognition. I grew pale and weakened. Surely this was just a trick of the imagination? No acknowledgement of freshly-baked oatmeal cookies could he experience! None, as such precision I had employed in their demise! But why a pause? I urged him inside, past the kitchen. "Have wine!" I implored. "Some Amontillado would surely do you well this evening!" Heavily and purposely against the utensil drawer I threw my body, dragging corkscrews and foil cutters loudly in distraction. He knew! He could not see, nor smell, nor taste, but he knew! How? He fingered the mail on the dining room table and I sensed his internal mocking of my growing terror! I considered perhaps the chance to flee but no distance between myself and the pantry would extinguish the radiating horror! I could stand the agony no longer! I would surely scream out with hellish fervor surpassing the witnessing of another Legally Blond movie sequel!

"Torturous demon!" I exclaimed, "cease your feigning and mockery! Withdraw your judgement! I admit the deed!--throw open the pantry doors! Here! Here! You will find the surceased cooling of these Quaker man's treats!"

Tell-Tale Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk Cookies
or as Ed called them, "omg...these are the best cookies I've ever tasted :-P"

1 cup salted butter, softened
1 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 large eggs
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
very finely grated zest of one orange (Microplane works great!)
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
2 1/4 cups oats
2/3 cup shredded sweetened coconut
2 cups good quality semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped (I like Ghiradelli)
1 cup toasted almonds, coarsely chopped


Preheat oven to 375 F.

Cream butter and both sugars with an electric mixer until very fluffy. Add vanilla, cinnamon, orange zest, and eggs and mix until well incorporated. Mix flour together with baking soda in separate bowl , then add to mixture and stir just until blended. Stir in oats, coconut, chocolate, and almonds.

Drop dough onto lightly greased cookie sheets in generous amounts. I use about two tablespoons per cookie. Larger amounts (up to 1/4 cup for very large cookies) can be made, but allow amble room for spreading as these cookies are on the thin and lacy side. Pat cookies down to roughly 1/2 inch thickness. Bake until golden brown, roughly 15-18 minutes. Cool only slightly before removing from cookie sheets.